Fat, sick, and really scared

After my trip to the Ultrasound department, for a wee look at my Liver, the consultant told me that, just from a cursory look, there is definitely a good bit of fat around my organs. I came away from the appointment thinking I should look at changing my diet, the think is I very quickly put it from my mind and filed it under tasks for tomorrow.

Well it's almost a week since this happened, and I've been on a bit of a food bender. You don't need details, but in one week I've spent in takeouts about the same amount as I should spend on three weeks groceries.

If I'm being honest and open with myself, I'm actually really scared of what my future holds for me. I've looked online about fatty liver, and if unchecked it basically ends up like sclerosis of the liver, you know the thing that KILLS alcoholics. 

I think in a lot of ways I am like an alcoholic, but with food. I don't eat for pleasure, but because there is an evil little voice inside telling me to fail and that I'm worthless, so I may as well destroy myself. 

I'm off work tomorrow, so I better sit and take a long hard look at what I need to do to turn myself arround. Now this isn't me putting it back on my tomorrow list that I mentioned above. This is me putting it on my "its after 11pm and I'm not thinking clearly enough to focus properly, so I'm going to bed and making a fresh start in the morning" list. 

Night chums, tomorrow is a new day. 

Seems there's something up with my liver

As I'm thirty-nine, I thought it would be prudent to get a bit of an MOT. With this in mind I asked my doctor for a blood test to check my whatever it is they check in blood.
The result shows slightly raised levels in my liver enzymes. The Doctor is unable to tell me at the moment what is causing this. It could be a virus or infection, some disease or other, or a fatty liver.
She assures me I have nothing to worry about. I would say this fills me with confidence, but that is not even close to the truth. The next course of action is to go for a liver ultrasound next week, and the specialists will see what they see.
In the mean time, I figure I will work on the assumption I have a fatty liver; I'm three to four stone overweight, so it's not to big a leap of faith that this is the problem. Also this is something I can take action to deal with. Cut back on processed food, carbohydrates, red meat, and the food (that I go to for comfort) that I know is not good for my health.
I do love my food, so I need to find ways to turn what I eat, that is bad, into what I eat that is good.

It's time to end the insanity

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Anti depressants are not a magic cure for depression. They are there to help level a person off, so that he or she can clear the mind and look at the problems that seem so large when in the throws of darkness. But what if we keep repeating things over and over again, what if rather than face the problems we continue to do the same things that lead us down the path to that same dark dead end?

I think I've always had a melancholic soul, my humour can be dark and menacing at times, even cruel. It's probably because misery loves company. Also I tend to ignore problems that arise, I either reason that tomorrow I will have a clearer head and can deal with things then, or I simply hide and hope the problem will magically disappear, well that just makes the problems bigger and before you know it, you are curled up in a ball wondering why the world is trying to crush you. 

What has putting things off done for me?

I spent years in a marriage, that for both our sakes should have ended years before it did.

I am morbidly obese, and my health is suffering more and more each day. 

 

I have debts that would frighten some if the smaller African nations. 

This lead to my business failing,

And my being homeless for two years. 

And I am letting down my best friend, by distancing myself from her. 

I have very little to show for the thirty nine years I have been on this planet, except for my debt, my depression, and my forty eight inch waistline. 

Last night I hit an emotional low that I  realise tablets alone will not fix. It is time to stop doing the same things over and over again. If I want change I have to start today!

Blogs and a line in pithy catchphrases is not enough to fix life's problems. I have to actually get off my backside and deal with my problems. I have to accept that there may well be fall out from what my next actions involve. But I think it is probably better to live with the consequences of positive actions, than to live with the consequences of negative actions. 

Last quote for now,

"Fear is the mind killer." Dune, Frank Herbert. 

I live in fear of what will happen if I do something new, but if I don't change it will kill me.