Robert Downie jr was right

I read a post on the internet about the time RDJ was heavily into drugs and it was Burger King that turned his life around. Basically he went on a major bender and he ended up sitting in his car wasted with a whopper meal. His thought was, I can't get any lower than this. 

Well, today I went to Greenock, a small town on the west of Scotland. I've wandered round the shops and ended up in Burger King. I suppose it could be any burger bar, but it happens that the home of the whopper is here. 

I really don't feel great, the place is grubby, overly hot, and for what you get it's V. pricey. As I look about me I feel like I've stumbled into a Jeremy Kyle casting session. 

I think I'm having a Robert Downie jr moment. I come to burger bares more than I should and without fail, I leave them feeling crap. 

Now you'll be pleased to here this isn't one if my usually, woe is me, self pity posts. No, this is actually a lesson in the IMPORTANCE OF PLANNING!!!

I knew I was coming to Greenock, I knew I would be here over meal time, but I figured I would work it out as I go along. 

Thought for the day, plan plan plan :)

Here we go again!

Last post was in October. I did not think it had been this long, but it would seem that it has infact been about four months since I was at the hospital for my liver ultrasound. So I really must have put my lifestyle improvements in place, and be a shadow of my former self. Or, I've been on a self destructive bender that shows little or no let up. If you went with the first option then I'm afraid you don't will the prize.

Anywho, what is my current situation?
1. I have a shooting pain in my left knee when I lift my leg to put a sock on (Not cool)
2. I suffer with the most brain burning headaches in the wee small hours
3. I have the worst acid accompanying the headaches through the the night
4. to pick things from the floor I basically have to get down on my hands and knees, as the pain in my lungs is amazing when I bend over (although the flashing lights and fireworks are quite pretty)
5. outwith the night headaches, I pretty much have a dull throb that sits in my skull most of the day
6. a general sense of worthlessness and self loathing as I know that how I look and feel is mostly my own doing
7. I don't actually remember the last time I was able to button my trousers (belts are wonderful things, and I refuse to buy bigger trousers as I feel I will just end up bursting out of those)

So what's changed that I am back here? Nothing, and that's the problem. This Blog is called Life begins at thirtynine, and truth be told I'm fast running out of thirtynine (three months and dropping), and more importantly I'm fast running out of life.

I try so many diets. Strike that, I start so many diets and give up on them after one or two days that it's an exaggeration to say I try them. As people often say, fad diets don't work in the long term. I don't really give them the chance to work in the short term. I see people that succeed on diets and I am really inspired in that moment, but when it comes to the commitment on my part to give them even one week, I give up before I even start, I figure I'm going to fail anyway so get the failure out of the way on day one.

Even as I type this, I look at the remnants of a Chinese take away sitting next to me. Truth is, I didn't enjoy it, I really can't afford it, I could have made tastier and cheaper myself, and I feel crappy for having ate it. There were peas in it, so "yay me!!!" I had one of my five a month.

I am really good at self deprecation and turning everything into a joke. If I put myself down first then no one else can do it and therefore no one will be able to hurt me. If everything is a joke no one will look at me to seriously.

HOW MESSED UP AM I? I mean really?

I don't want others to hurt me, so I destroy myself physically, mentally, and emotionally? I turn myself into a joke?

BRAINWAVE

By destroying everything myself there is nothing for anyone to hurt, but there is nothing for anyone to cherish either.

BRAINWAVE 2

(this one has litterally just dawned on me)

People can still hurt you, even after you tear yourself to pieces, In fact, making yourself feel worthless means that you have torn down the very defences that would have protected you from the harshness of others

Food is not my BIG problem, so I guess eating isn't really the answer.

Perhaps with this new realisation in place it's time to stop putting myself down and start standing tall. If nothing else. It will throw people off balance long enough for me to figure out my next move.


I think that's enough soul searching for one night.

N.

Fat, sick, and really scared

After my trip to the Ultrasound department, for a wee look at my Liver, the consultant told me that, just from a cursory look, there is definitely a good bit of fat around my organs. I came away from the appointment thinking I should look at changing my diet, the think is I very quickly put it from my mind and filed it under tasks for tomorrow.

Well it's almost a week since this happened, and I've been on a bit of a food bender. You don't need details, but in one week I've spent in takeouts about the same amount as I should spend on three weeks groceries.

If I'm being honest and open with myself, I'm actually really scared of what my future holds for me. I've looked online about fatty liver, and if unchecked it basically ends up like sclerosis of the liver, you know the thing that KILLS alcoholics. 

I think in a lot of ways I am like an alcoholic, but with food. I don't eat for pleasure, but because there is an evil little voice inside telling me to fail and that I'm worthless, so I may as well destroy myself. 

I'm off work tomorrow, so I better sit and take a long hard look at what I need to do to turn myself arround. Now this isn't me putting it back on my tomorrow list that I mentioned above. This is me putting it on my "its after 11pm and I'm not thinking clearly enough to focus properly, so I'm going to bed and making a fresh start in the morning" list. 

Night chums, tomorrow is a new day. 

Seems there's something up with my liver

As I'm thirty-nine, I thought it would be prudent to get a bit of an MOT. With this in mind I asked my doctor for a blood test to check my whatever it is they check in blood.
The result shows slightly raised levels in my liver enzymes. The Doctor is unable to tell me at the moment what is causing this. It could be a virus or infection, some disease or other, or a fatty liver.
She assures me I have nothing to worry about. I would say this fills me with confidence, but that is not even close to the truth. The next course of action is to go for a liver ultrasound next week, and the specialists will see what they see.
In the mean time, I figure I will work on the assumption I have a fatty liver; I'm three to four stone overweight, so it's not to big a leap of faith that this is the problem. Also this is something I can take action to deal with. Cut back on processed food, carbohydrates, red meat, and the food (that I go to for comfort) that I know is not good for my health.
I do love my food, so I need to find ways to turn what I eat, that is bad, into what I eat that is good.

It's time to end the insanity

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Anti depressants are not a magic cure for depression. They are there to help level a person off, so that he or she can clear the mind and look at the problems that seem so large when in the throws of darkness. But what if we keep repeating things over and over again, what if rather than face the problems we continue to do the same things that lead us down the path to that same dark dead end?

I think I've always had a melancholic soul, my humour can be dark and menacing at times, even cruel. It's probably because misery loves company. Also I tend to ignore problems that arise, I either reason that tomorrow I will have a clearer head and can deal with things then, or I simply hide and hope the problem will magically disappear, well that just makes the problems bigger and before you know it, you are curled up in a ball wondering why the world is trying to crush you. 

What has putting things off done for me?

I spent years in a marriage, that for both our sakes should have ended years before it did.

I am morbidly obese, and my health is suffering more and more each day. 

 

I have debts that would frighten some if the smaller African nations. 

This lead to my business failing,

And my being homeless for two years. 

And I am letting down my best friend, by distancing myself from her. 

I have very little to show for the thirty nine years I have been on this planet, except for my debt, my depression, and my forty eight inch waistline. 

Last night I hit an emotional low that I  realise tablets alone will not fix. It is time to stop doing the same things over and over again. If I want change I have to start today!

Blogs and a line in pithy catchphrases is not enough to fix life's problems. I have to actually get off my backside and deal with my problems. I have to accept that there may well be fall out from what my next actions involve. But I think it is probably better to live with the consequences of positive actions, than to live with the consequences of negative actions. 

Last quote for now,

"Fear is the mind killer." Dune, Frank Herbert. 

I live in fear of what will happen if I do something new, but if I don't change it will kill me.