Here we go again!

Last post was in October. I did not think it had been this long, but it would seem that it has infact been about four months since I was at the hospital for my liver ultrasound. So I really must have put my lifestyle improvements in place, and be a shadow of my former self. Or, I've been on a self destructive bender that shows little or no let up. If you went with the first option then I'm afraid you don't will the prize.

Anywho, what is my current situation?
1. I have a shooting pain in my left knee when I lift my leg to put a sock on (Not cool)
2. I suffer with the most brain burning headaches in the wee small hours
3. I have the worst acid accompanying the headaches through the the night
4. to pick things from the floor I basically have to get down on my hands and knees, as the pain in my lungs is amazing when I bend over (although the flashing lights and fireworks are quite pretty)
5. outwith the night headaches, I pretty much have a dull throb that sits in my skull most of the day
6. a general sense of worthlessness and self loathing as I know that how I look and feel is mostly my own doing
7. I don't actually remember the last time I was able to button my trousers (belts are wonderful things, and I refuse to buy bigger trousers as I feel I will just end up bursting out of those)

So what's changed that I am back here? Nothing, and that's the problem. This Blog is called Life begins at thirtynine, and truth be told I'm fast running out of thirtynine (three months and dropping), and more importantly I'm fast running out of life.

I try so many diets. Strike that, I start so many diets and give up on them after one or two days that it's an exaggeration to say I try them. As people often say, fad diets don't work in the long term. I don't really give them the chance to work in the short term. I see people that succeed on diets and I am really inspired in that moment, but when it comes to the commitment on my part to give them even one week, I give up before I even start, I figure I'm going to fail anyway so get the failure out of the way on day one.

Even as I type this, I look at the remnants of a Chinese take away sitting next to me. Truth is, I didn't enjoy it, I really can't afford it, I could have made tastier and cheaper myself, and I feel crappy for having ate it. There were peas in it, so "yay me!!!" I had one of my five a month.

I am really good at self deprecation and turning everything into a joke. If I put myself down first then no one else can do it and therefore no one will be able to hurt me. If everything is a joke no one will look at me to seriously.

HOW MESSED UP AM I? I mean really?

I don't want others to hurt me, so I destroy myself physically, mentally, and emotionally? I turn myself into a joke?

BRAINWAVE

By destroying everything myself there is nothing for anyone to hurt, but there is nothing for anyone to cherish either.

BRAINWAVE 2

(this one has litterally just dawned on me)

People can still hurt you, even after you tear yourself to pieces, In fact, making yourself feel worthless means that you have torn down the very defences that would have protected you from the harshness of others

Food is not my BIG problem, so I guess eating isn't really the answer.

Perhaps with this new realisation in place it's time to stop putting myself down and start standing tall. If nothing else. It will throw people off balance long enough for me to figure out my next move.


I think that's enough soul searching for one night.

N.